CNB Reflections:You Think You 've Lost Everything?

          

Everything in this world is temporary. We’re not made to live forever. We’re only going to get 60, 80, or 100 years on this planet. This means we’re going to experience major losses in life.—Losses of loved ones and relationships, and many other secondary losses. There are going to be storms of stress, torrents of tragedy, gales and gusts of grief, and floods of failure. When these things happen, the typical, often unanswerable question we ask is “Why?” “Why is this happening to me? Why is this going on?” We may never get an answer to these questions on this side of eternity, but I’ve discovered from other people’s experiences that we often don’t need an explanation as much as encouragement.

Explanations don’t encourage us. Therefore, it’s far more helpful, instead of asking “Why?” to ask “What?” “What do I do now? What’s next?” Whether you’ve lost a loved one, your job, your financial security, or a dream, your heart is broken. What do you do when it seems you’ve lost it all? How do you rebuild your life? Steps to rebuilding your life

1. Release your grief.

Loss always creates very strong emotions in us. We grieve. We worry. We fear. We may be depressed. We may be angry. Whatever we do with these emotions, we should not resist them, rehearse them, reduce them, and repress them. We should release them. First, don’t resist them. Resisting means we’re not going to let ourselves feel. Many people do that when they go through a major loss. “I’m just not going to let myself feel anything. I don’t want to let it get too close to me.” It is a major mistake to not allow ourselves to feel our feelings. Feelings are meant to be felt. On the other hand, rehearsing our feelings, to where we repeatedly go over our grief, is not productive either. It is better not to second-guess ourselves, “If I’d have done this differently maybe I’d still have my old life.”  Or, “If I’d done this differently maybe my loved one would still be alive.” Rehearsing our grief is just as ineffective as resisting it.

Next, we should not reduce our feelings and tell ourselves. “It’s no big deal.” It was a big deal. It hurt and it still does. We should not minimize our feelings and say, “It doesn’t matter.” It did matter. Last, we certainly don’t want to repress our feelings. Many people are stuffers. They push their feelings down, which is like taking a coke bottle and shaking it up. One day it’s going to explode.

2. Resist bitterness.

Bitterness is far worse than any problem we’ll ever experience. We may argue, “You don’t know what I’ve gone through!” “I’ve had a t tough life! “Life has dealt me an unfair hand!” Still, bitterness is worse. Why? Because it’s holding on to the hurt. That’s what resentment does. The past is past. It can’t hurt us anymore. The only way it can hurt us is if we choose to hold on to it through bitterness. We need to let it go. We need to release our grudges just as we released our grief. We can ask, “Do I want to be bitter, or better? Do I want to be bitter or do I want to be happy?” Happiness is a choice. If we’re going to rebuild our life after a major loss, a breakup, or anything else, we’ve got to release our grief to God and resist bitterness, because bitterness will poison our life.

3. Accept what cannot be changed.

Much of life is totally beyond our control. Sometimes the only way to overcome some problems is to accept them. It’s just like our past. Our past is past. No matter how much we resent it we can’t change it. We’re just going to have to accept it. We can’t rewrite history and pretend our childhood was really a popular, fun, happy time when it wasn’t. We can’t gloss over the past and try to make it appear different than it really is. It takes faith to face reality and not be discouraged by it. Having faith is not pretending like everything’s great when it’s not, but we believe that God is in control and that He cares and will help us.

4. Focus on what’s left, not on what’s lost.

After a loss, we should try to find something to be grateful for. There’s always something, like the air we breathe and other stuff we often take for granted. Scientists have discovered that an attitude of gratitude is the healthiest emotion we can have. The more grateful and thankful we are, the more emotionally and physically healthy we will be.  It’s like the old cliché, “I complained I had no shoes until I met a man who had no legs.” Find something to be grateful for, and focus on what’s left—not what’s lost. If these steps are too difficult to take alone, a close friend, supportive family member, or professional counsellor may be able to help.